Last week, we broke your innocent little hearts when we told you Katie and Schwartzy were probs having marital problems due to scientific evidence we collected social media stalking we conducted. If you were shocked by this, you clearly didn’t watch last season. I have a healthier relationship with my pizza delivery guy than this husband and wife duo. Even if they vehemently deny that they’re having issues, we all know it’s the truth. But now we have some more off-season scoop for you about a different Vanderpump Rules cast member. Scheana has officially switched teams and isn’t Stassi and Katie’s bitch bestie, and is instead Lala’s co-thot friend. Maybe they bonded over sleeping with married dudes? I mean, I’ve only been saying it all season.
Based on extensive research more social media stalking, it looks like the two new cliques formed pretty much as soon as the reunion ended a few months ago. Scheana and Lala have been flying on jets and taking the same hoodie selfies I took with my friends in middle school; Stassi and Katie went to Europe.
The Instagram who-are-the-cooler-friends competition is real. But it came to a head this weekend when the head blonde betches of each group—Stassi and Ariana, duh—had separate parties since their birthdays are the same day and they fucking hate each other. I mean, there hasn’t been a head-to-head feud this big since Derek and Hansel’s walk off.
Ariana decided to stop being the cool girl who likes NASCAR and tuxedos and had a kings and queens party where Lala, Scheana, and other peeps wore lingerie and crowns. It’s the new sexy mouse, I guess. While Stassi had a joyful affair where everyone dressed like dead people. How Stassi.
Kristen and Katie were obvi there, and it looks like even hillbilly Brittany was on the dark, less-slutty side. From what I can tell, Brittany is still friends with everyone (fucking nicegirl) but choosing one friend’s bday over another def makes a statement. Or maybe she’s just afraid because Stassi takes her bday v seriously. Regardless, we’re just ready to see this shit play out on our TVs. Let the body shaming commence.
Update: Just when you thought Brittany couldn’t get any more lovable, it was brought to our attention that she attended both birthday parties. Which begs the question why everyone else couldn’t have done that. Guess we’ll find out next season.
